This is why.. I am mZunderstood

I am angry... Im mad about shit that I dont even know Im mad about. Dont make sense? yeah to me neither smh. I cant even say Im mad about what Ive had to go through these past couple years.. Thats water under the bridge, dead weight that I am happy to let go of.  Damn why am I so angry? Everything as of late pisses me off... Thats not good.. Doctors telling me to chill out before I kill myself, but everyday Im killing myself. Blood Pressure sky high, heart attack on the rise, hell naw I need to calm down, Woooosahhhhh!!! That shit dont work, I still be upset, mad at the world and whomever in my path. Smh I didnt used to be this way but I feel like people make me this way. Im always being tested, and dammit Im failing... Ahhhhhhhh I dont trust people..I mean no one anymore..The ones you love and care about the most are the ones who fuck you over and hurt u the deepest. So Id rather just not put any trust in anyone...I cant live like that tho, or can I? They say all you really need is Jesus, so He's the only one I need to trust then right? Someone told me this morning that God is testing me everytime he puts me in a situation where I am supposed to go off, and I do, I fail. I understand that but you can only take so much. You get tired of people saying whatever,doing whatever, and just being assholes, just because they know how to push your buttons. Im not going to grow like this, smh..Lord how do I get rid of this anger.. This resentment.. This hurt... Wtf is it?Life aint ever been a breeze for me so I should be used to it by now...Then Im stuck on these meds that make me more irritable than I already was.... lose lose situation..... I wanna be able to trust and confide in people but I feel like they all have ulterior motives. My mind be going 100 miles per hour off some crazy stuff. Everyone out here fake talking about u behind ur back then smiling all up in ur face like shit aint just happen... Being real is not that hard to be,or is it? Im not perfect, but damn I at least try to always keep it 100. That be too much for people nowadays. I try to respect people, listen to them, comfort them, be there when needed, provide, etc but all  I seem to get are fakes... What the hell is going on? I am a very forgiving person, sometimes I feel like Im too forgiving, but Im tired of always being the bigger person in situations. Then when someone does something and u nut up on them, all the attention goes to u going off. That really irks me........ anyway Im just venting, talking, thinking,wondering....How can I be more peaceful, loving, careful, understanding? I have all these qualities but I want to use them more... I want to love people regardless of what they do or say to me... I want to be able to hold my temper, and my tongue.... HUHHHHH all of this is easier said then done... I want to be, but I am...I guess this is why Im mZunderstood......... smh 

No Title.... For now

Well I havent written anything here in so long... Life has totally changed drastically... God has been blessing me left and right...I have a new job, and a new outlook on life.... I no longer feel like dead weight, or feel less than anything... I feel great.. On January 1, 2012 God revealed something to me that I had asked him to reveal to me.. I told him to be very clear cuz Im hard headed LOL... He definitely gave me an answer...So now Ive let go of someone that I have been holding on to for so long, and I feel so much better. I have no ill feelings.. Im not mad, sad, angry or any of that....I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and Im not even done with the process yet LOL...... I realize sometimes we cause our own problems... We hold on to people and emotions that God is or has been trying to move us away from... By not allowing him to do his will, we fall into a place of depression, resentment, anger, and we kill ourselves everyday. I had been dead so long I forgot what it felt like to live and feel happy and have joy... and Im not happy because of a man... Yessssss anyhoo Ive been getting my life back on track... Im about to find me a nice apt and things and begin to live for me, and my son cuz we are the most important people in my life right now...I will love again one day... simply because I love to love LOL... but I will no longer give love where it isnt wanted, appreciated, or required...I will give love to myself.. its time for me to be selfish, take care of me... and do what I enjoy.... It feels good to come to ur senses... Although I will always love him, he was a first of many things for me, I can no longer live the way Ive been living.. Trying to force something, when it has been gone.... Our love is strong, just not in a together sort of way... That makes a lot of sense... we still have that bond, its just not what it used to be.... and thats fine.. So now Im waiting on God to send me the one he REALLY made for me, not the one I chose for me...in some way I feel like I had that person, and I chose the wrong one.. I will forever regret that decision... Now hes off married with children.... He was the one... s/o to S.E. Green... but Im happy for him and wish him the best and I know all things happen for a reason... This was a lesson, Ive learned a lot from this journey and I have matured.... It was hell no doubt, but it was necessary nonetheless.... So here I go.. 2012 new me, new things.... moving forward, not looking back.. letting go and restoring me.... be on the look out cuz Tylia Patrice is on it... #idoit

Through it all.. God is so good!!!

So recently there has been so much change going on... Some relationships and friendships are ending, some beginning, some are starting over. I thank God for the people he is placing in my life, and even more so for the people he is removing from my life. Its sad to know that some of those people are family members, but hey it is wat it is. My own mother has completely lost it and went off the deep end for the uptenth time. This isnt the first time shes acted like this, but I think I explained a lot about her in my last blog post, so umm yeah. now she has taking her bashing and craziness to twitter... Shes doing all this knowing that one she looks dumb because shes my mother, two she looks dumb because shes 40 years old, and three she looks dumb cuz she knows I know the truth. She says one thing on twitter, and another on facebook... o_O Really.. anyway Im not going to bash her, nor am I going to go back and forth with her or let people know who and how she really is... Ima let God handle it cuz he seems to have been doing a lot of handling things lately.. Anyway, of course Ive been dealing with a lot lately, but God has been keeping me and placing me around the people I should and need to be around.. Although some things are still being worked out, I have joy. Im happy I went through what I went through because I wouldnt be growing if I didnt. God had to strip me of everything in order for me to return back to him. Now I dont think anyone should let it get to the point like I did where he takes all and gives you the worse spiritual beating ever, but hey sometimes thats what he has to do... Im glad that everything he has taken, he is restoring and making it ten times better... Now Ill admit sometimes I fail. I let people and things get to me, and I drop the ball and go off. I have been on a cursing fast and yesterday I said some words boy oh boy.. All because I allowed ignorance to make me mad. Something I have no control over.. People are going to continue to do what they do and say what they say, but its my test... and I cant continue failing and allowing people to take me to the place I dont want to be. I cant say I dont care, but I must say God knows me and he knows my heart, and he knows Im not even half of what people claim I am... Someone told me yesterday that every time Satan sees you trying to do right and trying to get close to God, he brings up something crazy.. Something that he knows has pulled you back in the past, and he knows can easily grab you once again... Its a test, and its up to us to pass or fail, with
Gods help. So I had to ask God for forgiveness, and he knows I have been fighting hard not to go ham on folks... lol So even after I talked to him and was just so upset at myself for allowing things to disturb me, he granted me favor and got me the job I wanted...  Now you cant tell me God isnt merciful and good!!! Theres no one like him... I know that all my praying, and fasting, and worshipping isnt in vain.. He is hearing and seeing it all and that is whats up!!! Today I got an unexpected and very shocking email today... from someone I thought Id never talk to.... I had been wanting to talk with this person, but I was just going to leave it alone... But she emailed me, and said some things that were so, I cant even explain... I was shocked to hear from her but glad at the same time.. I believe that email was God as well, letting me know that everyone aint like everyone, and some people are trying to move on just like I am... SN Im just like ok God I see you.. Turning things around just like you said you would. Now all I need to do is continue looking forward and leaving old things behind me.. I cant keep picking up chains that have already been broken.. and I cant keep allowing people to bind me with chains, that they want to see keep a hold of me... I gotta keep fighting to the end, and its been rough I must say, but Ive been through a lot and Ive gotten through a lot, this is just another testimony that Ill have under my breath.. So if you read my blog, pray for me and I hope God blesses whoever lays eyes on this as well. Ive come a long way and I plan to go further... I must say tho, Through it all... God is so good!!!

Sometimes I feel like a motherless child...

So lately I been dealing with a lot of crap, mostly from family members and it was really starting to bug me out. Ive always felt like if u didnt have nothing or anyone in this world, u should always have family.. Right? Wrong... It baffles me that I have the heart that I have and I am always willing to forgive people who treat me wrong, or talk about me, or those who just arent there for me like they should be. Alot of people know but some may not know that I grew up in foster care. Never lived with my mother, and we really didnt have any kind of relationship because I was mad at her for not keeping me. What made me even more mad is the fact that she had other children, and during their younger years she kept them. Anyhoo as I got older I figured hey it is what it is get over it, so I let that part of my life go. When I got to college and joined this organization, they were talking to me about how the bible says to honor your mother and father, and it doesnt continue to say honor them only if theyre good parents or if they do whats right. So I took that as ok Tylia, u need to let go of this grudge u have been holding and try to build a relationship with your mother. So thats what I did...Needless to say, sometimes I really regret doing so, but I know it was the right thing to do. We dont even have a regular mother daughter respectful relationship, were more like friends, at one point best friends,  but just friends. I never really liked this kind of relationship but I think thats the only one we could have. Sometimes I sit back n think about all the birthdays n holidays and just days of the year that I didnt get a call, a card, a gift, a hello nothing, and I realize now I dont think she really cared to do so. We talk about different things all the time and she makes it known how out of all 5 of her children only 1 was actually wanted. She has no problem telling us she wanted abortions or didnt want to raise us etc. And although I sit there and listen to her talk about this, it breaks my heart. Now granted she was extra young when she had me so i know she wasnt really ready for any children but still, who is? She makes it known that she doesnt care about anyone but herself and she thinks its ok.. She thinks its ok to talk about people, n she says things all the time that she thinks doesnt hurt us but they do. Of course we never say anything to her about it cuz we know she doesnt care, and we know the answer she gives us is just going to piss us off.. And when people are grown u cant tell them anything, so why bother. Lately the status of our relationship has really started to bug me because instead of being mother n daughter were more like frenemies. I hear about the things she says behind my back etc from people we barely even know.. but thats ok I was told at the beginning of this transition that that was going to happen. So idk why it shocked me when it did... But I went to church on Sunday and the pastor said something that really woke me up. He was saying how we expect certain people to be a parent to us, when they were only put in our lives for us to learn from them. I thought that was sooo deep, because it is so true. I keep waiting on her to be my mother, and the fact is that isnt what Im supposed to be getting from her... So now I realize I can stop reaching out for a love that Im never going to receive from her and just take her for who she is. My instructor, who has instructed me to be nothing like her and to learn from her mistakes... As hard as it is for me to swallow n accept that, I guess I really have no choice...

Getting it together!!!

Today I finally went to church. Man I havent been to church in so long its a shame. I know better than that but some things have kept me from being able to attend. I wasnt able to go to my own church but boy did I get a message at this service. The preacher was talking about how in order to receive ur miracle, there are some things u have to do. First you have to separate yourself from some things and some people. You cant receive the blessings God has in store for you when ur surrounded by things and people who are not of God. This is hard for me simply because some of the people that I am around that I know arent good for me are my family. I always accept the butt of relationships when it comes to my family and I have been tired of doing so. I let a lot of peoples issues and problems become my own and I either try to solve them or make them change and I realize I cant do neither. Noone can change without Jesus and no one can change someone except Jesus. Another thing that I have to do is truly walk with God and go where Ive never been before. I need to stop trying to tread in shallow water and go all the way in and believe that God is with me and I can make it. Lately I have been feeling very alone, I didnt even feel like God was with me although I know better than that. I had to realize that it wasnt God who turned his back on me, it was me who turned my back on God. I have just been through so much lately in my friendships, relationships, family, personal life, etc. It seems like once one thing went wrong everything else started to fall a part as well. I also realize that God has taken a lot from me cuz he has so much to give me. I have to start over, and I couldnt do that with certain things and people in my life. With one situation, Idk what God is going to do, but I am willing to accept whatever it is. I actually can feel myself changing and not really caring about that anymore. Anyhoo, I have no idea what God has for me but I have been told time and time again that I am only going through all this because I have a major blessing right around the corner. And the reason I am struggling is because I wasnt ready for the blessing that is for me. I dont want to get it prematurely because then I will lose it just as quick as it came. Alot of things has happened that way. Its crazy what holding on to pain can do to u. Im not even really hurt anymore and Im still holding on to stuff, which is why I havent moved to my next position yet. I know now that its time that I get into place. I was also told that if something is yours, no matter how far away it goes, it will come back.. If its not yours then God isnt going to allow it to come back and God isnt the one that put it together. Its hard to face the future when your present looks so bleak but its time to get some stuff poppin.. I have to stop dwelling on what I dont have and focus on what I do have. I have life, I may feel sick but Im alive and well. I have a beautiful son, who loves me. I have friends who I can depend on, and most of all I have God. Even though I keep running he keeps his arms open and lets me back in every time.. How amazing is that? I wish people were like that but hey, although we were made in his image, we still stray away from his likeness. Yes i have made mistakes, and the crazy thing is I keep punishing myself when God has already forgiven and wiped the slate clean. I also keep allowing people and things to pull me backward. That shows major weakness and I know I am stronger than that. Ive been through too much not to be.. Satan keeps attacking me cuz he knows once I walk upright its over. But I also know that Satan can only do what I allow him to. If I give him power he will have dominion over me. Another thing that stuck with me that the preacher said today is that you have to have a Nevertheless spirit. When God tells you to do something, it may sound foolish to you but u need to do it Nevertheless.. Submitting to God is rough especially when ur surrounded by doubt and people who dont believe in you, but its something you have to do if u want to succeed. When the world realizes that they cant live without God, then things will be a lot better. Today is 9/11 and although I feel sorry for those who lost their lives and those who lost loved ones I had to focus on life and not death. Life is too short and if I dont get it right, Im going to be left behind, and I definitely dont want that. Im so glad I went to church today. The preacher told us all to lay our burdens down and not to pick them up again and that our shackles are broken. My issue is that I always lay stuff down but like a dummy I always pick them back up... Im tired of doing that, so now its time for me to get it together....

The Simple Things

I love the simple things in life. I enjoy being in good company, watching tv or listening to music. I love to listen to people talk about themselves and the things they have endured in life. I enjoy planning a day to do whatever, especially for someone special or someone I love. I love playing card and board games and being competitive. LOL I like to sit down and listen to music, no interruptions. I like to dream about the future, and map out how I think it will be. Of course it never happens the way I thought it would but hey.. simple things.. I love watching my son play with his father, and listening to him laugh and giggle about whatever he thinks is funny. I enjoy looking up to the sky and talking, knowing that there is someone up there who is really listening to me. I like trying new things and succeeding with things that I start. I love knowing that one day if I act right, I will make it to a place that is far better than the here. I love singing and dancing and praising and worshipping and writing and blogging lol If life could just always be simple, it would make it so much easier to get through, but of course I know that will never be the case. I enjoy peace that surpasses all understanding.... That may sound cliche but that is a simple pleasure that a lot of people wish they had. I enjoy love, and the thought of real love and the enjoyment of true love and the journey of lasting love. I love waking up everyday, even when that day starts off wrong or bad, just knowing that I was given another day to breathe and get it right is all that I need. I enjoy and love you God, because even though sometimes I feel like ur not here, I KNOW that you are.... MMMM the simple things

Change... let it go

So I was talking to one of my mentors and she ran some deep stuff by me. Things that I have thought about but u know how u always need someone else to tell u something u already know.. yeah sad but anyway she was encouraging me and reminding me that even when things look bleak and just bad, there is always a blessing at the end of the tunnel. I know that everything that has happened to me has happened for a reason. Now I may not know those reasons as of yet lol but I'm sure they will be revealed to me eventually. We talked for a long time and I am ttruly grateful for her being in my life. She doesn't take sides and she will tell u when n if ur wrong. Everyone needs someone like that in their life. I also been thinking about how all the bickering and Ish has got to stop. There is no point, and its not going to get anyone anywhere. Jackie if u read my blog then I just wanted tto say I have no real issues with u. I know that u r the one other woman that he cared for truly and I know u cared for him. This isn't all ur fault, n I know that u were just doing what your heart was saying. I'm not mad at u and really ur not mad at me cuz I've never done anything to u. U know the person u are mad at. No I didn't say this on twitter cuz I didn't want everyone in our business. I'm done with the going back n forth on twitter stuff n I mean come on, that ain't even something u do. Ive had enough of that childish BS. I'm just saying, us being petty at each other is stupid, and we were both hurt n not by each other.. I would've emailed u or did this on a personal level buy I don't have ur info so anyway I respect u enough to just say this here instead of on a catty ass social network. Now back to me... Lol so I was thinking about going back to school in January instead of waiting till June, idk I gotta do something.. lol I'm ready to get my masters n move out of state. I'm just ready for a change, for things to fall back in place, n for God to lead this time. I'm tired of trying to do things my way, its time to let go..