Sometimes I feel like a motherless child...

So lately I been dealing with a lot of crap, mostly from family members and it was really starting to bug me out. Ive always felt like if u didnt have nothing or anyone in this world, u should always have family.. Right? Wrong... It baffles me that I have the heart that I have and I am always willing to forgive people who treat me wrong, or talk about me, or those who just arent there for me like they should be. Alot of people know but some may not know that I grew up in foster care. Never lived with my mother, and we really didnt have any kind of relationship because I was mad at her for not keeping me. What made me even more mad is the fact that she had other children, and during their younger years she kept them. Anyhoo as I got older I figured hey it is what it is get over it, so I let that part of my life go. When I got to college and joined this organization, they were talking to me about how the bible says to honor your mother and father, and it doesnt continue to say honor them only if theyre good parents or if they do whats right. So I took that as ok Tylia, u need to let go of this grudge u have been holding and try to build a relationship with your mother. So thats what I did...Needless to say, sometimes I really regret doing so, but I know it was the right thing to do. We dont even have a regular mother daughter respectful relationship, were more like friends, at one point best friends,  but just friends. I never really liked this kind of relationship but I think thats the only one we could have. Sometimes I sit back n think about all the birthdays n holidays and just days of the year that I didnt get a call, a card, a gift, a hello nothing, and I realize now I dont think she really cared to do so. We talk about different things all the time and she makes it known how out of all 5 of her children only 1 was actually wanted. She has no problem telling us she wanted abortions or didnt want to raise us etc. And although I sit there and listen to her talk about this, it breaks my heart. Now granted she was extra young when she had me so i know she wasnt really ready for any children but still, who is? She makes it known that she doesnt care about anyone but herself and she thinks its ok.. She thinks its ok to talk about people, n she says things all the time that she thinks doesnt hurt us but they do. Of course we never say anything to her about it cuz we know she doesnt care, and we know the answer she gives us is just going to piss us off.. And when people are grown u cant tell them anything, so why bother. Lately the status of our relationship has really started to bug me because instead of being mother n daughter were more like frenemies. I hear about the things she says behind my back etc from people we barely even know.. but thats ok I was told at the beginning of this transition that that was going to happen. So idk why it shocked me when it did... But I went to church on Sunday and the pastor said something that really woke me up. He was saying how we expect certain people to be a parent to us, when they were only put in our lives for us to learn from them. I thought that was sooo deep, because it is so true. I keep waiting on her to be my mother, and the fact is that isnt what Im supposed to be getting from her... So now I realize I can stop reaching out for a love that Im never going to receive from her and just take her for who she is. My instructor, who has instructed me to be nothing like her and to learn from her mistakes... As hard as it is for me to swallow n accept that, I guess I really have no choice...