Sometimes I feel like a motherless child...

So lately I been dealing with a lot of crap, mostly from family members and it was really starting to bug me out. Ive always felt like if u didnt have nothing or anyone in this world, u should always have family.. Right? Wrong... It baffles me that I have the heart that I have and I am always willing to forgive people who treat me wrong, or talk about me, or those who just arent there for me like they should be. Alot of people know but some may not know that I grew up in foster care. Never lived with my mother, and we really didnt have any kind of relationship because I was mad at her for not keeping me. What made me even more mad is the fact that she had other children, and during their younger years she kept them. Anyhoo as I got older I figured hey it is what it is get over it, so I let that part of my life go. When I got to college and joined this organization, they were talking to me about how the bible says to honor your mother and father, and it doesnt continue to say honor them only if theyre good parents or if they do whats right. So I took that as ok Tylia, u need to let go of this grudge u have been holding and try to build a relationship with your mother. So thats what I did...Needless to say, sometimes I really regret doing so, but I know it was the right thing to do. We dont even have a regular mother daughter respectful relationship, were more like friends, at one point best friends,  but just friends. I never really liked this kind of relationship but I think thats the only one we could have. Sometimes I sit back n think about all the birthdays n holidays and just days of the year that I didnt get a call, a card, a gift, a hello nothing, and I realize now I dont think she really cared to do so. We talk about different things all the time and she makes it known how out of all 5 of her children only 1 was actually wanted. She has no problem telling us she wanted abortions or didnt want to raise us etc. And although I sit there and listen to her talk about this, it breaks my heart. Now granted she was extra young when she had me so i know she wasnt really ready for any children but still, who is? She makes it known that she doesnt care about anyone but herself and she thinks its ok.. She thinks its ok to talk about people, n she says things all the time that she thinks doesnt hurt us but they do. Of course we never say anything to her about it cuz we know she doesnt care, and we know the answer she gives us is just going to piss us off.. And when people are grown u cant tell them anything, so why bother. Lately the status of our relationship has really started to bug me because instead of being mother n daughter were more like frenemies. I hear about the things she says behind my back etc from people we barely even know.. but thats ok I was told at the beginning of this transition that that was going to happen. So idk why it shocked me when it did... But I went to church on Sunday and the pastor said something that really woke me up. He was saying how we expect certain people to be a parent to us, when they were only put in our lives for us to learn from them. I thought that was sooo deep, because it is so true. I keep waiting on her to be my mother, and the fact is that isnt what Im supposed to be getting from her... So now I realize I can stop reaching out for a love that Im never going to receive from her and just take her for who she is. My instructor, who has instructed me to be nothing like her and to learn from her mistakes... As hard as it is for me to swallow n accept that, I guess I really have no choice...

Getting it together!!!

Today I finally went to church. Man I havent been to church in so long its a shame. I know better than that but some things have kept me from being able to attend. I wasnt able to go to my own church but boy did I get a message at this service. The preacher was talking about how in order to receive ur miracle, there are some things u have to do. First you have to separate yourself from some things and some people. You cant receive the blessings God has in store for you when ur surrounded by things and people who are not of God. This is hard for me simply because some of the people that I am around that I know arent good for me are my family. I always accept the butt of relationships when it comes to my family and I have been tired of doing so. I let a lot of peoples issues and problems become my own and I either try to solve them or make them change and I realize I cant do neither. Noone can change without Jesus and no one can change someone except Jesus. Another thing that I have to do is truly walk with God and go where Ive never been before. I need to stop trying to tread in shallow water and go all the way in and believe that God is with me and I can make it. Lately I have been feeling very alone, I didnt even feel like God was with me although I know better than that. I had to realize that it wasnt God who turned his back on me, it was me who turned my back on God. I have just been through so much lately in my friendships, relationships, family, personal life, etc. It seems like once one thing went wrong everything else started to fall a part as well. I also realize that God has taken a lot from me cuz he has so much to give me. I have to start over, and I couldnt do that with certain things and people in my life. With one situation, Idk what God is going to do, but I am willing to accept whatever it is. I actually can feel myself changing and not really caring about that anymore. Anyhoo, I have no idea what God has for me but I have been told time and time again that I am only going through all this because I have a major blessing right around the corner. And the reason I am struggling is because I wasnt ready for the blessing that is for me. I dont want to get it prematurely because then I will lose it just as quick as it came. Alot of things has happened that way. Its crazy what holding on to pain can do to u. Im not even really hurt anymore and Im still holding on to stuff, which is why I havent moved to my next position yet. I know now that its time that I get into place. I was also told that if something is yours, no matter how far away it goes, it will come back.. If its not yours then God isnt going to allow it to come back and God isnt the one that put it together. Its hard to face the future when your present looks so bleak but its time to get some stuff poppin.. I have to stop dwelling on what I dont have and focus on what I do have. I have life, I may feel sick but Im alive and well. I have a beautiful son, who loves me. I have friends who I can depend on, and most of all I have God. Even though I keep running he keeps his arms open and lets me back in every time.. How amazing is that? I wish people were like that but hey, although we were made in his image, we still stray away from his likeness. Yes i have made mistakes, and the crazy thing is I keep punishing myself when God has already forgiven and wiped the slate clean. I also keep allowing people and things to pull me backward. That shows major weakness and I know I am stronger than that. Ive been through too much not to be.. Satan keeps attacking me cuz he knows once I walk upright its over. But I also know that Satan can only do what I allow him to. If I give him power he will have dominion over me. Another thing that stuck with me that the preacher said today is that you have to have a Nevertheless spirit. When God tells you to do something, it may sound foolish to you but u need to do it Nevertheless.. Submitting to God is rough especially when ur surrounded by doubt and people who dont believe in you, but its something you have to do if u want to succeed. When the world realizes that they cant live without God, then things will be a lot better. Today is 9/11 and although I feel sorry for those who lost their lives and those who lost loved ones I had to focus on life and not death. Life is too short and if I dont get it right, Im going to be left behind, and I definitely dont want that. Im so glad I went to church today. The preacher told us all to lay our burdens down and not to pick them up again and that our shackles are broken. My issue is that I always lay stuff down but like a dummy I always pick them back up... Im tired of doing that, so now its time for me to get it together....

The Simple Things

I love the simple things in life. I enjoy being in good company, watching tv or listening to music. I love to listen to people talk about themselves and the things they have endured in life. I enjoy planning a day to do whatever, especially for someone special or someone I love. I love playing card and board games and being competitive. LOL I like to sit down and listen to music, no interruptions. I like to dream about the future, and map out how I think it will be. Of course it never happens the way I thought it would but hey.. simple things.. I love watching my son play with his father, and listening to him laugh and giggle about whatever he thinks is funny. I enjoy looking up to the sky and talking, knowing that there is someone up there who is really listening to me. I like trying new things and succeeding with things that I start. I love knowing that one day if I act right, I will make it to a place that is far better than the here. I love singing and dancing and praising and worshipping and writing and blogging lol If life could just always be simple, it would make it so much easier to get through, but of course I know that will never be the case. I enjoy peace that surpasses all understanding.... That may sound cliche but that is a simple pleasure that a lot of people wish they had. I enjoy love, and the thought of real love and the enjoyment of true love and the journey of lasting love. I love waking up everyday, even when that day starts off wrong or bad, just knowing that I was given another day to breathe and get it right is all that I need. I enjoy and love you God, because even though sometimes I feel like ur not here, I KNOW that you are.... MMMM the simple things