This is why.. I am mZunderstood

I am angry... Im mad about shit that I dont even know Im mad about. Dont make sense? yeah to me neither smh. I cant even say Im mad about what Ive had to go through these past couple years.. Thats water under the bridge, dead weight that I am happy to let go of.  Damn why am I so angry? Everything as of late pisses me off... Thats not good.. Doctors telling me to chill out before I kill myself, but everyday Im killing myself. Blood Pressure sky high, heart attack on the rise, hell naw I need to calm down, Woooosahhhhh!!! That shit dont work, I still be upset, mad at the world and whomever in my path. Smh I didnt used to be this way but I feel like people make me this way. Im always being tested, and dammit Im failing... Ahhhhhhhh I dont trust people..I mean no one anymore..The ones you love and care about the most are the ones who fuck you over and hurt u the deepest. So Id rather just not put any trust in anyone...I cant live like that tho, or can I? They say all you really need is Jesus, so He's the only one I need to trust then right? Someone told me this morning that God is testing me everytime he puts me in a situation where I am supposed to go off, and I do, I fail. I understand that but you can only take so much. You get tired of people saying whatever,doing whatever, and just being assholes, just because they know how to push your buttons. Im not going to grow like this, smh..Lord how do I get rid of this anger.. This resentment.. This hurt... Wtf is it?Life aint ever been a breeze for me so I should be used to it by now...Then Im stuck on these meds that make me more irritable than I already was.... lose lose situation..... I wanna be able to trust and confide in people but I feel like they all have ulterior motives. My mind be going 100 miles per hour off some crazy stuff. Everyone out here fake talking about u behind ur back then smiling all up in ur face like shit aint just happen... Being real is not that hard to be,or is it? Im not perfect, but damn I at least try to always keep it 100. That be too much for people nowadays. I try to respect people, listen to them, comfort them, be there when needed, provide, etc but all  I seem to get are fakes... What the hell is going on? I am a very forgiving person, sometimes I feel like Im too forgiving, but Im tired of always being the bigger person in situations. Then when someone does something and u nut up on them, all the attention goes to u going off. That really irks me........ anyway Im just venting, talking, thinking,wondering....How can I be more peaceful, loving, careful, understanding? I have all these qualities but I want to use them more... I want to love people regardless of what they do or say to me... I want to be able to hold my temper, and my tongue.... HUHHHHH all of this is easier said then done... I want to be, but I am...I guess this is why Im mZunderstood......... smh