This is why.. I am mZunderstood

I am angry... Im mad about shit that I dont even know Im mad about. Dont make sense? yeah to me neither smh. I cant even say Im mad about what Ive had to go through these past couple years.. Thats water under the bridge, dead weight that I am happy to let go of.  Damn why am I so angry? Everything as of late pisses me off... Thats not good.. Doctors telling me to chill out before I kill myself, but everyday Im killing myself. Blood Pressure sky high, heart attack on the rise, hell naw I need to calm down, Woooosahhhhh!!! That shit dont work, I still be upset, mad at the world and whomever in my path. Smh I didnt used to be this way but I feel like people make me this way. Im always being tested, and dammit Im failing... Ahhhhhhhh I dont trust people..I mean no one anymore..The ones you love and care about the most are the ones who fuck you over and hurt u the deepest. So Id rather just not put any trust in anyone...I cant live like that tho, or can I? They say all you really need is Jesus, so He's the only one I need to trust then right? Someone told me this morning that God is testing me everytime he puts me in a situation where I am supposed to go off, and I do, I fail. I understand that but you can only take so much. You get tired of people saying whatever,doing whatever, and just being assholes, just because they know how to push your buttons. Im not going to grow like this, smh..Lord how do I get rid of this anger.. This resentment.. This hurt... Wtf is it?Life aint ever been a breeze for me so I should be used to it by now...Then Im stuck on these meds that make me more irritable than I already was.... lose lose situation..... I wanna be able to trust and confide in people but I feel like they all have ulterior motives. My mind be going 100 miles per hour off some crazy stuff. Everyone out here fake talking about u behind ur back then smiling all up in ur face like shit aint just happen... Being real is not that hard to be,or is it? Im not perfect, but damn I at least try to always keep it 100. That be too much for people nowadays. I try to respect people, listen to them, comfort them, be there when needed, provide, etc but all  I seem to get are fakes... What the hell is going on? I am a very forgiving person, sometimes I feel like Im too forgiving, but Im tired of always being the bigger person in situations. Then when someone does something and u nut up on them, all the attention goes to u going off. That really irks me........ anyway Im just venting, talking, thinking,wondering....How can I be more peaceful, loving, careful, understanding? I have all these qualities but I want to use them more... I want to love people regardless of what they do or say to me... I want to be able to hold my temper, and my tongue.... HUHHHHH all of this is easier said then done... I want to be, but I am...I guess this is why Im mZunderstood......... smh 

No Title.... For now

Well I havent written anything here in so long... Life has totally changed drastically... God has been blessing me left and right...I have a new job, and a new outlook on life.... I no longer feel like dead weight, or feel less than anything... I feel great.. On January 1, 2012 God revealed something to me that I had asked him to reveal to me.. I told him to be very clear cuz Im hard headed LOL... He definitely gave me an answer...So now Ive let go of someone that I have been holding on to for so long, and I feel so much better. I have no ill feelings.. Im not mad, sad, angry or any of that....I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and Im not even done with the process yet LOL...... I realize sometimes we cause our own problems... We hold on to people and emotions that God is or has been trying to move us away from... By not allowing him to do his will, we fall into a place of depression, resentment, anger, and we kill ourselves everyday. I had been dead so long I forgot what it felt like to live and feel happy and have joy... and Im not happy because of a man... Yessssss anyhoo Ive been getting my life back on track... Im about to find me a nice apt and things and begin to live for me, and my son cuz we are the most important people in my life right now...I will love again one day... simply because I love to love LOL... but I will no longer give love where it isnt wanted, appreciated, or required...I will give love to myself.. its time for me to be selfish, take care of me... and do what I enjoy.... It feels good to come to ur senses... Although I will always love him, he was a first of many things for me, I can no longer live the way Ive been living.. Trying to force something, when it has been gone.... Our love is strong, just not in a together sort of way... That makes a lot of sense... we still have that bond, its just not what it used to be.... and thats fine.. So now Im waiting on God to send me the one he REALLY made for me, not the one I chose for me...in some way I feel like I had that person, and I chose the wrong one.. I will forever regret that decision... Now hes off married with children.... He was the one... s/o to S.E. Green... but Im happy for him and wish him the best and I know all things happen for a reason... This was a lesson, Ive learned a lot from this journey and I have matured.... It was hell no doubt, but it was necessary nonetheless.... So here I go.. 2012 new me, new things.... moving forward, not looking back.. letting go and restoring me.... be on the look out cuz Tylia Patrice is on it... #idoit